doubt always creeps up into my mind. actually, it just eats me like a steamroller. i gave out grades to one of my students, and asked her why she seemed to be more frustrated lately. she's normally an A student. she told me sometimes she just doesn't get some stuff. maybe it was me being perceptive, or maybe it's cuz since yesterday i've been really sensitive to the kids general dislike of me, but i asked her what about my behavior was bothering her the most.

i thought i was always clear that it wasn't the whole class's ineptitude that bothered me. there are some pretty good students that try. but i don't acknowledge their good wook nearly enough because i'm always trying to push them harder. it's like the parent who just pushes and pushes their kid. only with no good one-on-one time. so i'm like a constant negative impression on them. i dont' have the time to explain myself or my actions to them. i've never had a bad reaction one to one. maybe i need to work on class management skills.

i would try to be more cheerful and welcome my kids in if they came in on time. i guess i just need to start over and explain my expectations. my hope is that if they know where i'm coming from they'll understand. it's just so frustrating to take in all of their negative actions and emotions and have to reflect a total positive and patient attitude. all day long. so by the time i get out, i'm just one bitter old fool who needs to let off steam.

maybe this entry is more of an apology to my friends. or just an explanation. a part of me still has no idea what i'll be doing next year. i think it's b/c i need to get away now before i get really bitter and just turn everyone off. i dont' like being so negative. but it's darkening my soul. and now i'm just running on empty....