ok... why am i writing so much in one day? maybe it's sort of an epiphany that i've reached...but then again, it's somethign i've always realized about myself, but i never verbalized in words to people. hell, it's not like people read this anyways.
so here it is: explanation of my behavior in a nutshell
can you explain why:
i don't buckle
i don't pay my bills on time
i don't mind working 80 hr weeks
i'm not scared of hitting something in traffic on my motorcycle
i don't mind going out of my way to help certain people that i've just met
i don't care about making money or getting a higher paying job
well...besides the obvious of me being stupid.
No, it's not cuz i'm this great guy who just cares about the world. fuck. some of you guys know me enough that i could care less about some people. stupid people? let'em die. assholes? in the words of dr.link, return their nuts back whence they came from (kidneys if you're wondering).
it's not like i hate all people. some (sometimes, too small of a percentage) people i respect. my good friends. people who can somehow relate with me even with all of their idiosynchrocies (is that spelled right?). hell, i'd do anythingfor those peeps. but that's the problem. what about myself? i don't care enough about myself. hell, i don't care about myself at all. those above things starting to make sense now? maybe i should add things like: willing to race thru rush hour traffic all day for someone i hardly know. i do admit though, that was kind of fun, and it was nice having an excuse...
sigh...so maybe i'm in the depressed mood of my manic-depressive cycle. but either way. my problems don't go away even when i'm in one of my "highs". of course, i can't just leave this world cuz i got my job and i don't go back on my major commitments (sorry calwushu, bigger commitment came along). i can't just leave these kids midschoolyear. then again, i'd feel bad if i somehow made my friends feel bad for a day or two.
haha..so what does that mean? if i were to ever...well, mysteriously disappear, don't worry, for those who care, i'll make you ok with it first
back to work...
hmmm...comment system closed...oh well...i don't even know who reads this anymore...
man, i've had a bad streak of relationships lately. this last one ended before it was even a relationship. it's odd how when you things keep getting worse and worse, you think "things can't possibly get even more worse" and then BAMN! emeril style it smacks you upside the hide. so monday was a crazy a day
i got up in the morning feeling like i had a mission. most of my life, i've never really worked no my resume. i think i've always just tried to do whatever i respected. i mean, the counseling things i've done and all the volunteering. a lot of it kind of came together the other day, and i was able to help someone. 'course, none of that shit is ever taught in schools, and none of that stuff is really "valued" in our capitalist society...but i finally felt i had a need.
of course, the whole incident of helping my friend gave me a jolt and reminded me why i didnt' stick with counseling. i'm too emotional, and i get too involved. in some ways, i think i care too much. and of course, with the peeps who are going thru really tough shit and thinking about suicide, i'm always reminded of my own thoughts and feelings. and i absorb some of them....not good ya know?
so now i'm in this defunkedefied mood...but of course, i got some of you guys to rely on...seriously, most of the time that's the only reason i keep myself here...
and with all this crap on my mind, i gotta come in and teach. of course, as a teacher, i'm stoic...NOTHING ever happens to me. 3 day weekend, students tired and complaining? PUHLEEEZE. get over it! it's time to learn....ugh...sometimes i hate being held accountable.
but my cycle has come down again and i'm no longer coasting...so i guess i just have to gut thru it. sigh....i've built so much character over the years....just too much.
out.
